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A View of The Depths

Sunday, 06 January 2008

Kicking and running
I want to get away
I feel like an island sometimes
I guess I can fool everyone
Into thinking I'm strong and I have it all together
no....
sorry to disappoint
I have issues
issues that seem to tie me down
hold me captive on this island
I'm not strong
but I'm not that weak either
Just remember...
no one is as together as they seem
you might see me as strong with no insecurities
but, boy, are you mistaken
I don't mean to deceive
That was never my intent
So here I am...
weak...
insecure...
but clinging to the One who...
makes me strong...
makes me secure...
and makes me feel there is something worth living for

Monday, 26 November 2007

Sitting in Ed Tech...Working Hard for the Money...actually working hard for the money I have paid...lalalalalalala...This week is going to kill me!! I have so many concerts, articles, projects, and crocheting to do this week. Ok...maybe I can put off the crocheting but I think it's my new addiction...or my only addiction. All I did over break is crochet...no really that's pretty much all I did. I started a new afghan and it's already pretty big for starting on Saturday. I was talking to Becca and I said it's probably going to take me awhile to actually finish it. And she said,"Like in a week and a half..." Yeah, I'm pretty addicted to crocheting...not knitting....crocheting...get it! One hook...not two needles. Class is over! YAY! BBYE!!!!!!

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Apparently "Success" is not in my vocab...

Have you ever felt like you have fallen short? No you're not a failure but you feel like a disappointment. Yerp...you guessed it! I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I've let down everyone in a the music department. I'm not a complete failure but I feel like I've reached a point where people have stopped expecting me to really succeed in music. I'm a disappointment...or at least I feel like it. I've tried to keep up and I thought I was doing alright but apparently that's not good enough. Then it makes me feel like a loser for wanting to change my major to general music because apparently I'm not that great at music.
And I don't care if any of you run off and tell Prof. Packard because I'm pretty sure I've let him down enough this semester. I'm sorry Professor that I haven't been practicing like I should. I'm sorry that I missed pepband last night. I'm sorry that I'm not as good as Brad. I'm sorry that I'm the only one who got a B on the music history test. I'm sorry that I want to drop piano class because I can't keep up. I'm sorry that I want to change my major and you guys don't understand. I'm sorry for not keeping up with everything. I'm sorry.
I don't care if it's true or not but I feel like an absolute disappointment to the music department. I know I could be getting A's in all of my classes but that means that I would have to be practicing or studying every moment of every day and I CAN'T DO THAT!!! I'm sorry but I can't. People are more important than any assignment and I think my health and sanity are worth not getting an A in every class. *sigh* Abba, why do I feel this way? Why does every sign point to disappointment? Please show me how You view me. Let me see through Your eyes.
So whether it's true or not my day, so far, should be titled "Apparently 'Success' is not in my vocabulary."
Hopefully I'll feel better physically and emotionally later....

Saturday, 29 September 2007

All Dressed Up With No Place To Go

    I think I will title today: All Dressed Up With No Place To Go. Yeah...that basically describes my day. I felt like getting all dressed up and whatnot today for no particular reason. Several people commented on my attire and then asked me if I was going anywhere special. I just shrugged my shoulders and replied with a no. With the way my day has turned out I guess I got all dressed up to go study at the library for several hours. Whooo hooo...?   Anyways I wish I had some place special to go but alas and alack I have none. Neither do I have someone to look nice for today. I haven't seen many people except the people in my apartment and the random people at the library who have nothing better to do than study at the library on a Saturday night.
    I've wanted to do so much lately. I've wanted to read books, finish story boarding my film, figure out what I'm going to do with my life, and the list keeps going on and on.
    Does anyone ever feel like life is pointless? I feel like I'm studying my butt off to be able to get a job where I can work my butt off so I can retire someday and rest my butt from all the work I've been doing. I don't want to get a degree so that I can just get a job. I want to be able to use what I've learned in a way that will glorify God and point people to Him. But right now I just have no direction for that. You see, I've been seriously thinking about changing my major from Music Education to General Music with a Psychology minor. Where does that get me? Well I could do music therapy or go on to grad school for counseling or just become a bum who works at the daycare for the rest of my life...
    That leaves me with so much to consider. So many people have told me that they could see me being a teacher or a music therapist or a counselor but the problem with that is that I can't totally see myself doing any of those things. You want the truth? Yeah maybe I am a bit scared. Sometimes I feel like if I can't do something with my life I'm just wasting it. I feel very lost right now.
    If I wanted to go into music therapy that means that I would have to switch schools or finish out here and then go to another school. And the thought of going to another school, for some reason, is scaring me alot. Because I would have to go to a bigger school that would probably be a lot harder than it is here and I am struggling here! The prospect of starting over somewhere else by myself scares me. It always has. But God has always been faithful in those situations, mainly coming to MVNU. So shouldn't I be able to trust Him with this whole situation? Yes. And I have been trying to leave it all in His hands but I'm scared. That's part of being human I guess...being scared I mean.
    If I wanted to be a teacher I would have to suffer through another 2 and 1/2 years at MVNU in the education department that I have such a hard time dealing with. They simply don't have any concept of teaching the Arts. Everything they teach seems to be completely irrelevant to my area of teaching. AAHHH!!! I can't begin to tell you how much that department already frustrates me! *sigh*
    I don't know what to do. I don't feel like God has called me to a specific area of life and that frustrates me so. There are so many people who feel called to something and sometimes I wish I was like them. No matter what difficulties come into their path they have this driving notion that they are called to do what they are doing and they push through. But how can you push through when you don't know where you're pushing or if you should be pushing in this direction or if you should push at all?
    So needless to say I'm frustrated my friends. I want to feel as though I an called to something. If I just knew what I feel as though I could follow it so much better. I know I know, maybe this isn't the time for me to know yet. Maybe God is waiting to show me what He wants me to do. Abba, I feel so lost and confused. Could You maybe change my major for me to what you're calling me to do? That would help oh so much! Does my future include Cory or do you want me to fly solo for awhile? And if I'm supposed to go with Cory, how can I be part of his ministry? Or am I supposed to do something completely different from him? Abba, if you could answer any or all of the above questions I would be most grateful!
    Back to homework, I guess, because like I said: I'm all dressed up with no place to go.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Junior Year

Well my friends it has finally come...I am no longer the "lil guy" anymore. I've turned into my friends in the sense that I came into their lives their Junior/Senior year. So now it's my time to find my new freshman friends. I remember when my core group of friends started to form. I was like a cute little puppy that showed up at the drama department's door. They saw how cute I was and that I could do a few tricks and they said," I like her! Let's keep her!" And thus I found a place with my drama friends. I found a new home away from home aka Redwood. Three amazing roommates. And countless lifelong friends. I truly believe I have made friends for life at MVNU and my life will never be the same because of them, in a good way. *WARM FUZZIES*

I do want to ask for some prayer. Since I am nearing the end of my college experience there are some issues, decisions, and things I'm trying to sort out. Things like, where God is calling me to go after college and what He has created me for...what is my purpose. The more and more I've been thinking and praying about all of these God has been slowly speaking words to me about myself and how He has made me. It's been an amazing ride. Have you ever tried that? Have you ever tried sitting down and asking God to speak to you about why you are the way you are? Have you ever asked Him what He thinks of you? I really recommend it because you just never know what He's going to reveal to you. So many times we listen to what everyone else thinks of us and it effects us so much. But how many times do we listen to what God thinks of us? I'll admit there are times when I am worrying about what everyone else is thinking about me, when the only opinion that really matters is His. He is our Abba. Our Father.

Over this summer God has been breaking me down in some areas. He's been showing me why I do the things I do and revealing some deeper issues that I never knew were there. He's been speaking to me in the everyday little things, which I think is so cool. So many times we look for the big answers in big things. And usually God will catch us off guard and reach us in our everyday activities. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever prayed for something over and over and over again and during those prayer times you've heard nothing? And then you're walking around minding your own business, maybe not even thinking about what you've been praying about, and God will just whisper to you through a child or a waitress or in some unexpected way. Isn't that amazing?! I think it is.

Another thing I've noticed this summer is how noisy my life has gotten. I mean I listen to music in the car and watch TV and go to crowded places full of busy people....NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE. I had gotten so used to the noise. When I first tried to cut out some of the noise it was very uncomfortable. I felt a need to have the radio on in my car because silence is uncomfortable. But I have found those times spent in silence are the most peaceful and relaxing moments of my day. Some people use soothing music to take the edge off of their day but that's still noise! I had gotten to the point where I couldn't hear myself think. There was so much clutter and noise in my day that it stuck in my head and made it hard for me to be alone with my thoughts. I was also afraid to be alone with my thoughts and be real with myself. That's where God has really been my strength. He broke me down from my noisy state and now I feel less stressed because I cut out some of the noise. I've found that during those times of silence I can hear God better. Sometimes we focus too much on community. Community is so so so so important BUT all of us have to come to a point where we can be alone with our thoughts and God. Community for most is the easiest choice but the choice to remove yourself for even an hour and be alone is a very uncomfortable thing for some. It was very uncomfortable for me. I felt like I was missing out on something, that people were going to do stuff without me. There is so much freedom in turning off the cell phone and the Tv and the computer. YOU DON'T NEED TO BE CONNECTED 24/7/365! What's the worse that can happen? Someone calls you and they leave a voice message, someone emails or facebook messages you and those things will still be there in an hour or so. *sigh*

I feel at peace. Take time to be silent today...you might be surprised what you hear.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Free Hugs

Oh man...I am so blown away by this movement. Free Hugs....Check out this video on Youtube. It made me want to cry and go hug the world too. I know it might sound creepy but just think about the days that all you've wanted was a hug to make it better. To know that for a moment someone else is feeling your pain and saying that they care through a simple gesture! I'm all for getting some people together and giving out FREE HUGS!! I'm def. going to stand outside of campus center with a sign during this school year. I know how much a hug can make a difference. I believe that God is doing the same thing...He's standing with a His arms wide open inviting us to accept His amazing gift of a relationship with Him. But many people just pass Him by ignoring the sign He holds. I think we Christians get so caught up on "saving" people and we forget that people need to feel loved. Sometimes people need to feel loved and not preached at. I want people to feel loved! So if you ever need a hug just give me a call and I'll be there with my arms open wide!
No Seriously...I'll do my best to hunt you down and give you a hug!
Free Hugs

Sunday, 08 July 2007

Breathe

Breathe is this weekend and I am so excited....
Yeah I'm back. I missed Xanga a bit. I've been really busy with my kids Oh they are a whole mess of trouble but I love them all!

How's it going my friends? How's life? I feel like I haven't talked to too many of you lately. I've been trying. Jamie's married...weird. Ethan's trying to be the big star we've always known him to be or at least we've known he has the most potential out of all of us to be a big star. Wasn't that the plan? Ethan was going to become rich but not famous and then he was going to donate the money to the school for a proper theater as long as he and Kristin got to design it. Or was the plan that we'd all open our own restaurant/entertainment joint and we'd all live in a commune. hehe

I got me some amazing books today. I got Much Ado About Nothing, A Musician's Notebook, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Solos and Improvisation, and The Song of Songs An In-depth study. So I'm really excited!!! I just have to find time to read them all.

That's all. Good night my loved ones near and far!

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

BLAH!

I wish this semester would stop haunting me!! It is so stupid. This semester I probably took on a little too much...I UNDERSTAND THAT! I thought when all of my crap was moved out of 215 that meant that the semester was over and I could move on! But Nooooooo....I have to have the freak'n education department people breathing down my neck. I really want to be a teacher guys but dealing with this education department is going to drive me insane. So thank you Prof. I know I've been "irresponsible" lately but I'm doing the best I can. If that's not good enough then maybe I shouldn't be a teacher. Maybe I'm just too "irresponsible" to be a teacher. Sorry guys I'm just really frustrated right now...if you couldn't tell. I'm ready for this semester to be over and done with...

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Awesome God

God is the most amazing, awesome person ever!!!!!!!! He has done so much for me over this past year...He's comforted me when I was depressed, He's given me closer when I least expected it, He's given me relationship that have blessed me beyond anything I could have imagined....wow...it's 2:30! I'll have to talk about His greatness some more tomorrow.
Oh, and Wombies are pretty much the coolest things every! especially Saphire ones

Sunday, 08 April 2007

Cars

I hate cars...Last night Cory totaled his truck last night. He's alright but his car is well...totaled. He went across the median, across two lanes of oncoming traffic, hit a cinder block wall head on, and broadsided a tree. The funny thing is I didn't find out until today when his grandma came up and asked," So did you tell her about the accident?" The look on his face was one of "Oh crap I was waiting for the right time." *sigh* Well for the rest of the day I didn't leave his side, except to let him go to the bathroom and such. Can I just take this time to tell all of you that I love you...I thought I almost lost another person I cared deeply about to a car crash and it scared me so much. So please, be careful when you're out driving. Don't screw around when you're driving or let anyone mess around when they are driving...please...please be careful.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

Has anyone noticed that all these Chick Flicks involve the man and/or woman being totally taken by another person? Hmmm....that seems a bit wrong...or maybe that's just me.

Monday, 12 March 2007

Have you ever looked at the stain glass windows in the chapel? I mean really looked at them? I have and can I just say that God really spoke to me through them.
     You see, choir tour was this weekend and it was amazing to say the least. We, the wind ensemble and the collegians, got along really well socially because many of the collegians also play some sort of instrument. Anyways after our first performance I got this feeling of being less than the collegians because I couldn't sing. I felt as though I was background noise for them to sing over. Dr. Bob would add words of encouragement to us and kept telling us how amazing it was to have us there but something inside of me took those words and made them seem insincere. And the look on the collegians faces when we were playing our seperate pieces were looks of bordom. So on sunday morning second service I felt insignificant and not really helpful when it came to playing music that blessed God. It felt very hard to worship God through my 3rd trumpet part and, besides, I only had notes on a page that seemed to pail in comparison to their powerful lyrics.
     I sat in the service waiting for the next song I would have to play and then they came to the song "Many Colors Paint the Rainbow". I thought the title was too cliche and whatnot but Momma Tocheff had made a slide show to go along with the lyrics. And in this slide show there were pictures from the choir trip many of them had gone on this past summer and then there were also pictures of Mount Vernon. On of the pictures was...you guessed it, the stain glass window. For some reason every time they came to that part in the song it made me want to cry. I couldn't figure out why at first and then God revealed it to me. He reminded me that we are all needed and He gives us our talents for a purpose. He gave me the ability to play the trumpet and the opportunity to use that gift in the brass ensemble. We all have been given gifts. Some people are gifted musically while others are gifted with intelligence and so on and so forth. The point is that God will take those gifts and use them for His glory if we only give Him the chance. I had forgotten that. So I tried to keep that in mind as we played the last two songs of choir tour and I praised God as best I could playing my 3rd trumpet part.
     Then this morning during chapel I couldn't keep my eyes off of the windows. They captivated me and I tried to figure out why. Then God revealed a few things to me. First, all the departments have their own colors and all of those colors were present in the window. Second, there are four crosses fusing the sections together. We are all part of that window. We all have different places in that perfect design but all of the parts are essential. Our lives are all different sizes, some are long lives while others are short and, though we may not understand why, those sizes are perfect and exact. We are the window and the only choice we have to make is this: Are you going to let HIS light shine through you?
Artist: Chris Tomlin
Song: Joyous Light (Hail Gladdening Light - Revised)
Album:
Hail Gladdening Light, sun so bright
Jesus Christ, end of night, alleluia
Hail Gladdening Light, Eternal Bright
In evening time, 'round us shine, alleluia, alleluia

Hail Gladdening Light, such joyous Light
O Brilliant Star, forever shine, alleluia, alleluia

Chorus:
We hymn the Father, we hymn the Son
We hymn the Spirit, wholly Divine
No one more worthy of songs to be sung
To the Giver of Life, all glory is Thine

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

SNOW!!

SNOW and MUSIC are the most amazing things right now!! It's funny how little fluffy white stuff can cause so much chaos! Oh how I love Snow...and music!
Have you ever realized how complicated music is? If you haven't then you probably haven't gone through music theory and/or you are not a music major. Music is something that we, hopefully, experience everyday and I think we don't always take the time to really listen to the music. Next time a song comes on the radio or your iPod take the time to soak up the lyrics, the notes, the chords, and the artist's passion that he/she is trying to convey through the song. God is so awesome to give us music! Life would be such a sad sad sad thing to go through without music. I'm pretty sure everyone's life, except people who are unable to hear, has been changed ever so slightly because of music. *sigh*
Someone just said that classes are canceled after 12:40...I don't know if that is true but I'm just excited that I didn't have to go to field today! So get your work done, enjoy the snow, and enjoy a good song today! You'll be glad you did, trust me!

Wednesday, 07 February 2007

So Far...

Do you ever feel like you're so close to something and yet so far away? And why would I pose a question like that if I haven't been feeling that way? Anways I feel like I'm running out of time...especially with my friends. After this year many of my good friends will be leaving, how sad is that?! I feel like as time is rushing past me I'm trying to grab and hold on to as many things as I can. In trying to do this I have sadly dropped and lost many things. Time is flying by...so much to do and so little time. It's scary to think how fast this year has gone. It's a semester I've dreaded since my first semester here. I know everything will be alright and we'll all be able to go on with our lives but I like the lives we are leading now. I liked the life I had last year...this year I seem to have little to no life outside of music education, drama, and sleep. I miss last year at times because it seems like I had more time and more good times then. I miss being able to go to redwood EVERY night and know that we all were going to have a good time. What happens when the gang is no longer there? What happens when I eventually loose my sanity in this place? Will there be someone to catch me and carry me through the lonely hard times? Abba, I need You so much because I know you're the only one who will never change, never graduate, never move away, and never, ever leave me. That is so comforting to think about and yet my heart still aches for the fellowship I had last year with everyone. Things have changed so much...I never thought that we all would be like this a year later. So many things have happened this year, many hard times and many blessed good times. *sigh* Well off to my dreams and the hope of having no classes tomorrow.
In Him,
Aimee